Heavenly Father Hears and Answers

4 September 2014

I am having a hard day. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of how inadequate and flawed I am. The negative thoughts screaming in my head are like a jackhammer pounding and tearing up concrete. My chest feels tight like I cannot get enough oxygen to breathe. The pain is sharp, the thoughts jagged against my brain and heavy within my heart. Although this is not the first time, and doubtful it will be my last, today I feel like I won't be able to withstand the agony. 

So I started to pray. Out loud. Kadence is at school, so it's just me at home. With tears sliding down my cheeks, I plead for some relief, or an answer to what I could do to push back the unbearable depression that was pressing down all around me. 

Please, Heavenly Father, please help me! I don't want to feel this way! Just please make it go away! I am so sad. And I am so tired of being sad. Please help me to know what I can do.

Prior to today I had been trying hard to make choices that would help me to be happy. In August I had been hospitalized for a couple of nights. I was having trouble breathing as well as some other health issues. After leaving the hospital, I felt strongly that I would feel better if I started going back to church. I had been prompted in the past to do this but because of feeling like I was not good enough, not "perfect" enough, that I had to be "better" BEFORE I could start going again, I shrugged the thought off. This time I didn't. 

I contacted my bishop, Bishop Sefcik, to let him know I had recently moved from Utah. After getting the information of where and when the meetings were, I made sure that we started church that next Sunday. Kadence and I have been going every Sunday. We are in the Waukesha Ward in Wales, WI. We have been going 4 weeks so far and I am feeling much better. Happier. Even my sister Tanya commented that she has seen a difference in me.

So today I needed God's help. I wanted to know that he knew that I was trying to be a better person, even though I wasn't perfect. I needed to know that he heard me, that he was listening, and that even though I wasn't perfect, he would help me. See, for one reason or another, I struggle with believing he would want to help me. Me, an insignificant, ugly, fat loser. A nobody.

It is not that I don't believe he can. It is more like why would he even care about me? Especially with all the mistakes I make, over and over again? So even though I wanted and needed to know that he would take the time to answer me, or guide me, part of me wasn't sure if he would. Because I don't think I deserve it. 

So after praying aloud for help, I had the thought to go into my scriptures, specifically the Book of Mormon. I opened them to a random spot, inside my head hoping to have some words speak to me. Something that would let me know he is aware of me and my struggles.

I turned to Moroni 9. I skimmed the left side of the page but so far nothing about it seemed to "speak" to me. Then I looked over to the right side and came to verse 25. It is Mormon writing to his son Moroni, but I felt that Heavenly Father was saying these words to me:

"My [daughter], be faithful in Christ; ..... may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever."

Off to side in the margin I have written and highlighted in red, see Mormon 8 for pattern. I then went to that chapter. At the top of the page I have written and highlighted in red, with stars on either side, Pattern for Fighting Depression.

As soon as I read that I started to cry. I felt like Heavenly Father was saying "I am aware of your struggle. I know you are having a hard time right now. I hear you. I love you."

I, of course, read the pattern, but even if I had not read further, I felt that my heavy heart and struggle of depression had been lightened at that moment. Just knowing that God heard and answered my thoughts and prayer made me sincerely happy and thankful. I am grateful to know that he knows me as an individual. This experience is extremely special and has reminded me that, even though I still have my struggle with depression and other difficulties, as long as I turn to Heavenly Father for help, I will get through it. He has proven to me, again, that he is there for me and always will be.

Kiddies and Kitties

Today I started doing some deep cleaning in the bathroom and Kadence has helped me. She is such a good helper. Very smart, too. She has always been able to understand and take direction.

While I was cleaning the sink, I glanced down to where she was and saw her hitting Angel, our kitten, over and over again. I've told her untold number of times that she is not to hit the kitten, but for some reason she doesn't listen.

Part of me doesn't want to share this with anyone, because then people will see how I can be such a horrible person and mother. I don't want anyone to think badly of me, you know?

I am ashamed to say that I lost my temper. I started screaming at her that we don't hit Angel. I yelled at her to get into time-out by sitting in the chair. She started crying, and then kept saying nice and repeating the gesture that she uses when she says nice or be soft. I ignored it and kept yelling at her over and over again that we don't hit. I even yelled how would she like it if I hit her, and gave the motion as if slapping her from a distance. She cried harder. I then told her to come over to me and I held her on my lap. She immediately said nice and softly rubbed my shoulder, then hugged me.

As I continued to yell at her, telling her how next time I will hit her like she hits the kitty, I started to cry. I stopped saying anything as I thought of how I was teaching her. I was using intimidation through my voice, my facial features, my actions. I don't want to teach her through fear or intimidation. Fear is Satan's way, not Heavenly Father's way.

So I softened and lowered my voice. I told her that I didn't want to teach her this way. That hitting is wrong and that I was not going to hit her, she was not going to hit Angel, that we were going to learn a different way. I asked her if I could pray with her and ask for help on how we both could be taught a better way. She was still crying, but said yes. While I held her in my arms and rocked her, I prayed aloud and the feeling that came into the room, and into my heart, was so great. I think that Kadence felt it, too.

After the prayer I felt like I could think more clearly and I told Kadence that mommy was sorry for shouting at her. I told her that I don't and won't hit her, because we need treat each other with love. Then I said I was going to practice this. I rubbed her arm while speaking in soft tones telling her that I was sorry for screaming and that I would not do that anymore. I told her that we don't hit Angel, and that we need to be kind and loving, and so we are going to practice how we treat the kitty. I asked her to go over to where Angel was laying on the chair and show me how she should treat the cat. Then Kadence walked over and put her head softly on Angel, rubbing her cheek on her fur, turning her head to kiss her, and then took her hand and gently pet her. It was so precious. With tears streaming down my cheeks I smiled at Kadence and clapped and told her what a good job she did. I told her how proud I was of her. And then I said a quick prayer of thanks to God. I am so grateful to know that if I need help, I can say a prayer and know that my Heavenly Father will help me.

Blogging Delay

I know it has been around 4 months since my last blog post, but life is just crazy for me. I find it hard enough to do little updates on Facebook, let alone here.

See, I am really sick. More sick than I even wanted to admit to myself. I've lived for so many years with my diabetes out-of-control, that I started thinking it was normal. And that is not even getting into the whole thyroid mess.

My blood sugar is very high. Put it this way... my A1C was 12. Which means that I've been living with 400 as my average blood sugar level. Not good. Actually could go into a diabetic coma.

I feel like I am living in a fog. It is hard to think and to focus. My short-term memory is poor. Side-effects of such a high blood sugar. Because of my memory problems, I actually forget to take my insulin and other meds. For the last month I've hardly taken either at all. It is a vicious circle.

Since Sunday I've had help, though, which I am grateful for. I get a call from my friend Kristine every day to remind me to take my meds. I've actually been remembering to take the meds before she even called.

Another friend is helping me check out alarm watches so that I will be able to remember to take my insulin before my meals, as well as taking it in the morning and evening. I take 2 kinds - one for keeping my sugar levels even throughout the day and the other before I eat meals so that it won't sky rocket after eating.

I'm seeing a doctor about the diabetes, of course. Saw Dr. Smith yesterday as a matter of fact. He said I may be a candidate for the insulin pump, but I am a bit nervous about it.

Anyway, I am writing all of this so that people will be able to understand why my posting is so erratic. It is not on purpose. I wish I could be better and write at least weekly. But I am doing the best that I can. Especially since this is only a part of the daily stress I am dealing with. Taking care of an infant/toddler while being this way is not easy. It is very difficult and stressful. Not to mention that I need to find a place to live by May 7th and can't find anything. So yeah, the blogging is just not my top priority. Hope that people can understand.

Obedience is HARD

I've been trying to think more deeply about thoughts and promptings that come to my mind. I've always wanted to be the type of person that hears God speak to them personally. I think I have always been spiritually-minded, even when I lived in differing environments while growing up, environments that did not nurture that quality in me.

I remember when I was 14 years old and a friend of mine wanted to try marijuana. I remember saying to her, "Let's not do drugs, Julie. Let's be straight. Let's just be straight, and go to school and get good grades." My friend looked at me like I was strange and told me that she wanted to know what it was like. I already knew what it was like. I'd been introduced to weed when I was 12 by my aunt's ex-husband Jim and as well as other family members.

I was really sad, because she was my best friend. I knew instinctively that if I did not do it with her we would drift apart. And as ashamed as I am to admit, I just needed her to be my friend. I wasn't strong enough to stand alone. I don't think I even knew about the "Just Say No" thing or if it had even been started at that time. I didn't have any good examples to follow, that's for sure. I didn't have any support system.

Anyway, even though I would get high, I still was interested in spiritual matters. I was always enquiring other people about their faith and religion. I would go to different churches just... looking for something. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew that I would know what it was when I found it. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to a lot of folks, but it is the only way I know how to describe it.

Okay, now that I've gone off on a tangent... :)

Today while I was driving home from Wal-mart, I had these thoughts and emotions come to my mind, but at first they weren't very clear. You know how thoughts and feelings can just fly by in a flash? Well, that is how it happened to me. It was like I had to hit the stop button and rewind them, so I could "listen" again.

First, I remember thinking why I struggle with being obedient. I asked myself why I struggled so much while for others it was second-nature to choose the right. Then I thought about why it is like that... why it is in some people's nature to be obedient while for others it is very difficult. It is the latter for me.

It is SO hard to be obedient. I struggle a lot with obeying Heavenly Father's commandments. It is hard to not shop on Sunday for groceries because I didn't plan my time wisely on Saturday. It is hard not to steal from stores when I know I can get away with it. It is hard to read my scriptures, say personal prayers, family prayers, meal prayers, etc., consistently. It is hard not to cuss out loud and even harder to replace those words in my head even if I don't say them out loud. It is hard to think positively and not negatively. It is hard to be kind and bite my tongue when I want to verbally slash someone to pieces who has said something to hurt me. It is hard to be patient when I want to kick someone in the teeth. And there are more examples, but I think I've gotten my point across. Though I don't struggle with all of these at the same time on a every day basis, these things are very hard for me.

I wish I had no desire to sin. I wish I could be like King Lamoni when he first learned that there was a God and say

"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee..."

That scripture has always struck deeply inside of me. I wish I had his faith and desire to "give away all my sins." Actually, for the most part I do have that desire. But there are times when I want to cuss because I am so angry. There are times when I want to have an alcoholic drink or smoke a joint because it seems like it will be fun. There are times when I just want to do things that are contrary to what I know is right because I think that I am missing out on some fun. ~sighs~ The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

But you know what? I had this thought, not mine but Heavenly Father's... I had this thought come to my mind that said "But you obey anyway. You choose to be obedient anyway. And that is even more precious." And then this whirlwind of thought/feeling went on, becoming stronger, saying "Those who find it easy to obey, that's wonderful. But those who find it difficult and still obey will taste the sweetness of it" or something like that. I am not sure of the wording, because it was this feeling more than a thought. And sometimes it is ... dare I say it again? :P... hard... to put feelings into words.

I feel so humbled and grateful to have been given that insight.

So though I find it hard to be obedient, I am going to do my very best to continue to obey to the best of my ability. I know I am not perfect and I make mistakes all of the time. Yet I know that I am doing my best to do what is right and obey. That is what the Atonement is for. I do my best and Jesus makes up the rest.

On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

My secret Santa has come again, though I wasn't sure that it was going to continue since he or she came much later... 9:45 pm.

"On the first day of Christmas
An angel gave to me

*Three Snow-day Gifts*

Two Teddy Bears,
And a CD of O Christmas Tree."

This time there were three gifts individually wrapped in lovely wrapping paper and fancy ribbon. Kadee and I opened them (or she tried :) and the gifts were a pair of pink courderoy mittens, a matching hat for Kadence, and a pair of swede leather gloves for me. Whoever is doing this is very thoughtful and practical, since those are things both of us needed. :)

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

Okay, it happened. It is what I thought. The knock came again, only later this time, about 8 pm. This time it was a note tucked into the ribbon that was wound around two teddy bears.

"On the first day of Christmas

An angel gave to me

*Two Teddy Bears*

And a CD of O Christmas Tree."

The teddy bears were identical except for color; one was copper and the other creme. So I named them Copper and Carmel. Kadence loves them. She kisses, hugs, and crawls around with them in the living room. :)

On the 1st Day of Christmas...

Someone, I don't know who, is doing the 12 Days of Christmas for me. I think, anyway. We will see what happens tomorrow.

This evening around 7:30 pm someone knocked rapidly and loudly on my door. When I went to answer it I asked if there was anyone there. No answer. Shrugged my shoulders and thought maybe it was for the Shefchik's, my upstairs neighbors and landlords. When a few minutes later someone knocked again, I again asked if anyone was there at my door. I don't have a peephole to look out of, so I went to my window and peeked through the blinds. I saw the brake lights of a vehicle leaving my drive way. So I went to the door and opened it to find a pretty bow and a note taped to a CD. The note said...

"On the first day of Christmas
An angel gave to me
A CD of O Christmas Tree"

It was a CD of Christmas music. And just when I had been thinking I should pick up some Christmas music, it comes. How neat is that? Very, I tell you. :)

I think that I am really blessed, beyond what I even can comprehend. I am truly thankful for all the blessings I have in my life.

Remote-control Giggles

Today was a good day, despite the fact that I didn't make it to church. Kadence has the same diaper rash she had about a month ago, and since I am not sure if she has a virus or something contagious, I errored on the side of caution. I just don't want anyone else to get sick. I know that I haven't felt the best. Anway, just don't want to spread that around. On the up side, at least her rash is not as bad as the other one.

The reason today was so good is because of Kadence. She just is such a sweetie, and makes me feel so good. And she laughs all the time, even when she is not feeling her best. Her newest thing is to look at me mischievously with those twinkling blue eyes of hers when she sees something she seems to know instinctively she is not supposed to have. Like my cell phone or the remote. She'll start to giggle, look at the item, then me, looking back and forth as she inches forward to try and snare the prize. It just cracks me up! :)

Today was even funnier, though, because I held her on my knee while I brought the tv remote towards her, and she would just start to giggle almost hysterically! LOL! Like it was going to tickle her or something! :)

I wanted to make mention of it because I know that as I grow older I will not remember all of these wonderful experiences I have with my daughter, and if they are written about, then it will jog my memory. Plus then Kadence will know what kind of personality she had as she was growing up.

Graditude and a New Goal

I just put Kadence to bed. She still isn't feeling too well and wants me to hold her constantly. Normally she will play with her toys, especially her stuffed toys, but not lately. She is a darling little girl, though, and I love to hold her. She makes me feel so special. I know she loves me. Her smiles and laughter always brighten my mood. I feel so blessed to have this little one be gifted to me as my daughter... that I get to be her mother.

I've been thinking about this since last night: I need to dwell more on the positive, not the negative. So even if I vent my anger and frustration in posting, I have decided that I will always post something I am grateful for.

I am thankful for many things, but right now I am thankful that I can once again feel the Holy Ghost. I feel the warmth of the Spirit, especially in my bosom. A sorta burning feeling; not of pain but of joy. It radiates out from my bosom and throughout my body, up to my head, and down to my fingers and toes. It is an amazing feeling. It has only been in the last several months that I have felt this way on a day-to-day basis. I feel like this is another way that our Father in heaven has let me know that I have been forgiven. Something else to be grateful for; something that gives me peace.

I want to have a real connection with God. I want to trust in him more fully. My greatest desire, and something I am working towards, is to talk to Father daily. I don't mean just say words out of habit, either. I want my prayer to have more meaning and to actually feel like I am conversing with him. I definitely want to be a better listener. Not just talk at heavenly Father, but listen. I don't know how many times I have said my prayers, and then just gone about doing my thing, not taking into consideration to actually wait and listen to what I should do, listen to what he has to say. I am going to change that, not just for me but for Kadence. I want her to learn and know that her prayers will be answered and that God will talk to her. What better way for her to do that then to be the example and show her the way.

Lately it seems like I pray more fervently when I want or need something. My prayers should be just as fervent when giving him praise and thanks. So I am going to work on that. Also, I am attempting to get on my knees and pray instead of just laying in bed half-asleep. I need to be more humble when I pray, and I think the physical act of kneeling will help me to get into that mode. I don't know if I am expressing this right, but I know what I mean.

Well, I'm off to bed.

Kadee's 1st "Sick" Doctor Visit

Last night Kadence was really restless and would not sleep well unless I held her close to me as we slept. She was warmer than usual to me and I ended up taking her temperature. It was 99.6, a low-grade temperature, but I wasn't sure that I needed to be concerned about it.

So after the whole process of making sure she was on medicaid again (see the post about Dumb Gov't Agency Employees), I called my pediatritian's office to talk to a nurse. After talking for a few minutes and letting the nurse know how she has been having a week of restless nights yet sleeping more than usual, a runny nose, and just being more clingy, she thought it would be wise for me to bring her in just to make sure she didn't have an ear infection.

Luckily she doesn't; Dr. Wilcox said her ears and lungs look great. He did say she probably had the upper respiratory virus that was going around. If it isn't cleared up within about a week, he told me to come back, but he didn't seem concerned and I think she will be just fine, too. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't her ears.

I did make an appointment for her 12 month check up and there wasn't an opening until Jan 15th. I guess they get filled up with it being around the holidays, and also with days they would be closed from the holidays. However, I asked to be put on the cancelation list. I'd like to just get her check up over and done with... and as close to her 12 month mark as possible. By Jan 15 she will be 14 1/2 months old.

Anyway, they weighed her with her clothes on this time; usually they don't. She weighed 17 lb. 12 oz. I just knew and had a feeling that she wasn't 18 lb. yet. She sure is a petite little girl. :)

Gov't Agency... Grrrr! >:(

Today I finally had enough with the DWS (Dept. of Workforce Services) after a month of getting nowhere. But in order for this to make sense, I have to back-track.

In September I went on a 4 week vacation to WI, returning home on October 9. I fully expected to see some paperwork about Kadence's medical insurance needing to be re-certified (or whatever you call it) since October was her birthday month, the 31st to be precise. No such luck. I waited a week longer and nothing. Another week and still nothing.

So on November 3rd I called, and after talking to several people, I spoke to a woman who told me that since her birthday had passed I could not re-certify but needed to re-apply. I was upset because I needed to have her 12-month check up and on my income I can't afford it. I told her I had received nothing in the mail nor had I received a phone call or been left a message. She said it showed that information had been mailed out in August. She said maybe I misplaced it. Grrr! No, I did not, I said to her as politely as I could. I told her that I had actually called in August myself, knowing I would be gone on vacation, and asked what I needed to do; then told that I didn't have to do anything, that information would be sent to me in the mail.

Anyway... the woman started to speak in a kinder tone of voice. I think it was because by this time I could barely hold back the tears of frustration I was having. One thing I dislike about myself... how tears so easily come to the surface when I am angry, happy, sad, etc. Basically a water fountain, I am. :P

Going on... so this woman, Harriet or Henrietta, told me that she would count our conversation as the phone interview that is required in the application process, but she insisted that I must go to the DWS building and fill out the other necessary forms; if I didn't, she would drop the application and the conversation with her wouldn't count.

I did as she asked and left for the place about 10 minutes after getting off of the phone with her, filled out the required forms, and went home waiting to hear from her the next day. And I waited the day after. And the day after that. Until it was over 2 weeks. I called the place again, going through the whole process of explaining everything once again. But because the person doing my case wasn't there, I had to wait for them to get back to me. So the waiting game went on again.

During this time both Kadence and I have been sick. Almost the whole month of November. I was just thankful that she wasn't sick enough to have to go to the doctor and that it was from her teething!

On Monday I get a letter in the mail, and OMGosh, did I want to strangle somebody! Know what this dumb letter says?? On the first page it tells me this...

Alert - Telephone Interview Missed

Dear Tammy Dankert

This notice is to inform you that you have not contacted our office within 7 days of the date of your application for medical assistance. For your eligibility to be determined, you must call for a telephone interview.

You have 30 days from the day you apply to complete the application process, this includes completing an interview. If you do not complete the interview by the 30th day, your application will be denied. If you have any questions regarding this notice, please contact us.

~tapping foot in anger, counting to 10~

And then I read the next page...

Notice of Decision - Application Pending

Dear Tammy Dankert

The medical application received on Nov 3 2008 is pending. We have been unable to contact you to arrange an interview which is required as part of the application precess. You must contact DWS or your application will be denied on Dec 3 2008. If verification is needed, your worker will let you know what to provide.

Then I looked up in the upper right hand corner and it says mailing date: 08DEC08

So, let me get this straight... I am supposed to let them know BEFORE Dec 3, or my application will be denied. How am I supposed to freakin' manage that when I get the letter letting me know this... SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE DEADLINE?

(And just for the record, I NEVER received any phone call or letter from this agency... NOTHING! Remember, I was waiting and hoping to hear from them so I could take her in for her check up and vaccinations. Bunch of incompetent imbeciles!)

I was furious! And I am still angry thinking about it!

Well, like I said, I was tired of this and this time I was going to chop heads. I was literally grinding my teeth. LOL!

So I called the number, and had to wait for about 15 minutes to talk to a live person, which did not add to my mood, trust me on this. I proceeded to tell Heather everything I just wrote, including reading the letter I received. Not to pat my own back, but I did manage to say that I didn't mean to be upset with her personally, that I was just aggravated with the whole situation. She wasn't even ruffled. She said that guy that had denied my case must not have read the notes left by Harriet/Henrietta about the phone interview, and after verifying my rent, was able to tell me Kadence was now accepted and receiving medicaid. That only took her about 10 minutes.

I am glad everything is all squared away, but I am still steamed and would like to wring the neck of the bozo that wasn't doing his job. >:(

Another Tooth for Kadence

Most children get their two bottom teeth and then their two upper teeth. Not my Kadeedoo. Nope, she got her first tooth on the bottom right side of her mouth and then I noticed she had her upper tooth, again on the right side of her mouth, poking through. It has taken some time for her teeth to finally come through, though I've felt the bumps in her mouth for some time, and it looks like she is going to have a mouthful of teeth in a short period of time.

Laugh-mares?

Before we went to sleep last night, I said a prayer for Kadence asking that she might have a good night's rest. Well, it worked, because at about 3:30 am she started giggling WHILE she was asleep. And it was loud and contagious, let me tell you! LOL! It is just about the most adorable thing to hear my sweetheart laugh when she is awake, but even more so when she is doing it in her sleep. :) The amazing thing is that it lasted for at least 10 minutes. She never did wake up, just finally settled down to get some more sweet sleep.

Answered Prayers

So for the last three days my daughter has been having a difficult time sleeping through the night, mostly because she is teething. I suffer from insomnia, have for years, but because of her lack of sleep it has resulted in me being even more sleep-deprived than usual.

On Tuesday evening Kadence fell asleep about 9:20 pm. I was thrilled that I also was sleepy, and so I took us both to bed with the happy thought that we might both get on a better sleeping schedule. I looked at the clock on my night stand, saw it was 9:30 pm, and fell asleep shortly. At 10:39 pm Kadee woke up crying. I tried to see what was wrong, the normal checks: diaper wet/dirty, hungry, thirsty, etc. None of those. I also gave her some infant medicine to help with her pain from teething. After about 10 - 15 minutes I was able to comfort her and she fell back asleep. I thought all was well. I was wrong because she continued to do this routine every hour, for hours.

Despite the many times I prayed for help in understanding what was wrong so I could help her, I did not feel inspired as to what the problem was and I started to get frustrated and angry. I was so tired and frustrated... frustrated that I couldn't figure out what the problem was, and why she was so restless and sad. I am ashamed to admit this, but I blew up at her. I yelled at her, told her I was leaving her alone, and went into the living room. I just felt like I needed to be out of her presence or I would hurt her.

Then I started yelling and complaining at Heavenly Father. Yeah, I do that. I guess I am weird since I talk to him like he is right there, next to me. So I'm telling him that it is all his fault that I yelled at Kadence and that I was feeling the way I was feeling, it was his fault that she was feeling the way that she has been feeling.

"If only you would have answered my prayers to ler her feel peaceful and fall asleep, Father, none of this would have happened. She wouldn't be sad and crying, I wouldn't be mad and crying. I've been praying and asking you for your help! This is all your fault for not answering my prayers!"

After a few minutes I humbled myself and repented. I told Heavenly Father how sorry I was for speaking to him like that and asked him to please forgive me. I also asked him to forgive me of yelling at Kadence. Then I went and picked up my sweet little baby girl, and held her and comforted her. She was still crying, I was still crying. I kept apologizing to her, telling her how sorry I was. We both calmed down after a while. Then I read her favorite book to her that Sister Grace Sorensen gave her.

After reading the book to her a couple of times, I checked to see if her diaper needed changing. It was about 5:00 am by this time. So as I took off her jammies, I looked at her toes. I check for fuzzies between her toes occasionally. Probably weird to some folks, but I've done this since she was born. As I checked for fuzzies on her left foot and pulled at some bits of string I saw curled up under her middle toe, I found that Kadee began to scream. I stopped immediately, looking more closely.

To my surprise there was a hair (probably mine) wrapped around her middle toe, along with a small piece of string. It was wrapped extremely tight and it looked like her flesh was indented nearly to the bone! At first I thought she was bleeding, too, and this alarmed me, until I inspected further and saw that it was a small piece of red fuzz. I had tried pulling and that just made her cry, so I went looking for nail clippers with the idea that I could just clip it off. No such luck! :( With how she was wiggling and struggling to get away I was afraid that I would cut her. I kept trying to soothe her, telling her that I was not trying to hurt her, but trying to help her. Finally, I just tugged at it until it broke and I was able to take it off of her toe.

Her toe looked almost purple before I got her toe free. The indent was there for a while, even during the next day, though not as bad as when it was wrapped with the hair and string. As soon as it was free you could see the blood circulating and starting to look so much better. The relief that Kadence felt was immediate from how she reacted. She stopped crying, just whimpered a bit, and I kept hugging her and telling her how mommy fixed it. I showed her toe to her and told her how it was all better. She would look at her toe and then me and then hug me, over and over. It was sweet. She is so very, very sweet.

I immediately said a prayer out loud to Father for us, thanking him for inspiring me to check her toes, knowing she could have lost her toe because of the lack of circulation that had been going on; thanking him for actually answering my prayers, just not in the way I had expected. Kadee just listened quietly as I prayed as if she was agreeing with what I was saying.

I am so grateful to know that Father in Heaven answers prayers. I think about people who don't have the gospel and who don't have faith, and just feel so utterly thankful that I do! I mean, how many mothers would think to look at their child's toes to find out what was ailing them? I'll tell you what, though, after that experience you can bet that from now on I will be paying even more attention to those baby toes. :)

Afterwards I cuddled with her as I watched NBC news for a while. She fell asleep shortly and did not wake up again until I woke her up around noon. So I know that it was the pain in her toe that had been bothering her. I also know without a doubt that Heavenly Father inspired me to check her toes and answered my prayer on how to help my baby girl.

New Journal Writing Goal

I've been so lax in writing on here, but not for the reasons one might think. I have this idea that I have to "catch up" with the past year or so before I can start writing new posts. As I think about it, I feel so foolish that I felt compelled to do that, since that has made me feel so overwhelmed and stressed out I've become further and further behind.

So starting today I have decided that I am going to write about here and now, and if I have the time and patience I will right about the there and then with all the previous dates. I do have a lot written out on paper, computer documents, and another journal of sorts that I can transfer, but as I already said, I will do that if I have the time and patience.

Will I be buying pink or blue?

Well, it is official. I am pregnant. There is so much for me to say, I don't know where to start. I never expected to become an unwed mother. But that is what has happened. I think I became pregnant the night that John proposed to me. Just another example of the poor choices that I make. I basically knew that if I had sex with John I would become pregnant. And I did.

Not that I am unhappy about being pregnant. I always wanted to be a mother. I already love my baby. And I was so quick to go to the doctor... I am only around 2 weeks pregnant or so.

I'll write more about how I knew I was pregnant even though the pregnancy test said I wasn't, yadda, yadda.

All I know is that even though I felt this feeling that I would become pregnant, I didn't believe it would happen. I just didn't believe I could become pregnant. I alwyas felt I was infertile. Not sterile, but that it would be very hard to become pregnant. Boy, was I wrong.

Going to the chapel...

...and we're going to get married! ~singing softly while a silly grin is pasted on my mouth~

John officially preposed to me today, on Valentine's Day! I am so happy! I know I have not written in here for a while, but I have been so busy.

John gave me a cute little stuffed gorrilla that says Our First Valentine's, a box of chocolate, and a rose. He is so sweet! Then he got down on his knees and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! :) We are planning on a summer wedding... woo hoo!

I am moving in with him. Most of my stuff is here, anyway. I just want to be with him all the time. He makes me feel so good!

Someone loves me :)

I've been dating John Owen Kessey. I met him through Dianna Moscato, but her sister Tonya is the one that actually made a difference in me choosing to date him. He is younger than me, rather homely, and very skinny, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he loves me. I feel good when I am with him.

Even though he is not a member, I can't help but think about the blessing I received so many years ago that told me that a righteous son of God was set aside for me, that my weight would not be an issue and he would think I was beautiful, and that I would have children who would think of me as a truly blessed mother. John has told me how important God is to him. He prays every night. He believes that I am an answer to his prayers. :)

A poem

As we grow up we learn a lot of hard things. We learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

-Anonymous

Methinks thy anger boileth over

Does anyone really enjoy the flavor of tea? Or does it just taste like flavored water to you like it does to me?

I guess I am just having a few of those days when everything seems like crap. Life feels like crap. I feel like crap.

I can't stand false people. I hate the masks that people put on.

Sometimes I just want to lay down and go to sleep and never, ever wake up.

I could just sit here and cry, and part of me doesn't even know why. The other part is just not ready to share that type of information publicly. Then I think, why should I give a care on what others think? Well, it is not really that. It is I have private thoughts and feelings at times and I don't need to have the world know every single thing about me.

I get judged for so many things. A big judgement on me being my faith. Again, like I should care what they think, right? For the most part they don't even know me, so WHY should I care?

I have been alone and not part of any side of the family since I was basically 10 years old. That is when I remember thinking 'my family doesn't love me anymore.' I remember my heart feeling like it was going to break into a million pieces and immediately, immediately after that thought, feeling this numbness come over me. I had to. At age 10 I think I would have died, or at the least, gone completely insane. So I went numb and that is how I handled it.

I've always thought I was the bad child. Bad, bad girl. I remember being told how I was going to be crazy just like my mother because I was the one that was the oldest of us three kids and spent the most time with her. So she would have 'rubbed off' on me.

Guess what? They were wrong. I was the one that kept it together. I was the one that was the caretaker of my mother, as well as my brother and sister, before we went to live with our grandparents. I was the one that never believed the crazy stuff she spouted. Unfortunately for my brother, he believed in the things my mother said. I really think that affected him in a big way and I believe that is part of the reason he, being prone to it anyway because of genetics, became bi-polar.

So although my brother was thought of as the 'good one' and I was the 'bad one', the irony is that I was far more the goody-goody. I'm the one that never used to drink or swear. Yes, I smoked reefer, and I tried LSD, but I've never dealt drugs and I've never been to jail or prison.

So forget all you family members that thought I was the black sheep!! You will never know how good of a person I was, how hard I tried to be perfect and always do the right thing. I tried to do everything right to make you love me and it never was good enough. Again... FORGET YOU!!!

I have so much anger in me. So much that it is boiling and I don't know how to keep it from bubbling up and over. It is funny, because it takes a lot of crap to happen to me to make me upset and show the anger I feel. Even more rare to see the complete and utter rage I have. Why? Because I am afraid of what I am capable of if I ever did let it loose.

So for now I just say... Forget you, world. Forget you, and you, and you!!!