Obedience is HARD

I've been trying to think more deeply about thoughts and promptings that come to my mind. I've always wanted to be the type of person that hears God speak to them personally. I think I have always been spiritually-minded, even when I lived in differing environments while growing up, environments that did not nurture that quality in me.

I remember when I was 14 years old and a friend of mine wanted to try marijuana. I remember saying to her, "Let's not do drugs, Julie. Let's be straight. Let's just be straight, and go to school and get good grades." My friend looked at me like I was strange and told me that she wanted to know what it was like. I already knew what it was like. I'd been introduced to weed when I was 12 by my aunt's ex-husband Jim and as well as other family members.

I was really sad, because she was my best friend. I knew instinctively that if I did not do it with her we would drift apart. And as ashamed as I am to admit, I just needed her to be my friend. I wasn't strong enough to stand alone. I don't think I even knew about the "Just Say No" thing or if it had even been started at that time. I didn't have any good examples to follow, that's for sure. I didn't have any support system.

Anyway, even though I would get high, I still was interested in spiritual matters. I was always enquiring other people about their faith and religion. I would go to different churches just... looking for something. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew that I would know what it was when I found it. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to a lot of folks, but it is the only way I know how to describe it.

Okay, now that I've gone off on a tangent... :)

Today while I was driving home from Wal-mart, I had these thoughts and emotions come to my mind, but at first they weren't very clear. You know how thoughts and feelings can just fly by in a flash? Well, that is how it happened to me. It was like I had to hit the stop button and rewind them, so I could "listen" again.

First, I remember thinking why I struggle with being obedient. I asked myself why I struggled so much while for others it was second-nature to choose the right. Then I thought about why it is like that... why it is in some people's nature to be obedient while for others it is very difficult. It is the latter for me.

It is SO hard to be obedient. I struggle a lot with obeying Heavenly Father's commandments. It is hard to not shop on Sunday for groceries because I didn't plan my time wisely on Saturday. It is hard not to steal from stores when I know I can get away with it. It is hard to read my scriptures, say personal prayers, family prayers, meal prayers, etc., consistently. It is hard not to cuss out loud and even harder to replace those words in my head even if I don't say them out loud. It is hard to think positively and not negatively. It is hard to be kind and bite my tongue when I want to verbally slash someone to pieces who has said something to hurt me. It is hard to be patient when I want to kick someone in the teeth. And there are more examples, but I think I've gotten my point across. Though I don't struggle with all of these at the same time on a every day basis, these things are very hard for me.

I wish I had no desire to sin. I wish I could be like King Lamoni when he first learned that there was a God and say

"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee..."

That scripture has always struck deeply inside of me. I wish I had his faith and desire to "give away all my sins." Actually, for the most part I do have that desire. But there are times when I want to cuss because I am so angry. There are times when I want to have an alcoholic drink or smoke a joint because it seems like it will be fun. There are times when I just want to do things that are contrary to what I know is right because I think that I am missing out on some fun. ~sighs~ The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

But you know what? I had this thought, not mine but Heavenly Father's... I had this thought come to my mind that said "But you obey anyway. You choose to be obedient anyway. And that is even more precious." And then this whirlwind of thought/feeling went on, becoming stronger, saying "Those who find it easy to obey, that's wonderful. But those who find it difficult and still obey will taste the sweetness of it" or something like that. I am not sure of the wording, because it was this feeling more than a thought. And sometimes it is ... dare I say it again? :P... hard... to put feelings into words.

I feel so humbled and grateful to have been given that insight.

So though I find it hard to be obedient, I am going to do my very best to continue to obey to the best of my ability. I know I am not perfect and I make mistakes all of the time. Yet I know that I am doing my best to do what is right and obey. That is what the Atonement is for. I do my best and Jesus makes up the rest.