Obedience is HARD

I've been trying to think more deeply about thoughts and promptings that come to my mind. I've always wanted to be the type of person that hears God speak to them personally. I think I have always been spiritually-minded, even when I lived in differing environments while growing up, environments that did not nurture that quality in me.

I remember when I was 14 years old and a friend of mine wanted to try marijuana. I remember saying to her, "Let's not do drugs, Julie. Let's be straight. Let's just be straight, and go to school and get good grades." My friend looked at me like I was strange and told me that she wanted to know what it was like. I already knew what it was like. I'd been introduced to weed when I was 12 by my aunt's ex-husband Jim and as well as other family members.

I was really sad, because she was my best friend. I knew instinctively that if I did not do it with her we would drift apart. And as ashamed as I am to admit, I just needed her to be my friend. I wasn't strong enough to stand alone. I don't think I even knew about the "Just Say No" thing or if it had even been started at that time. I didn't have any good examples to follow, that's for sure. I didn't have any support system.

Anyway, even though I would get high, I still was interested in spiritual matters. I was always enquiring other people about their faith and religion. I would go to different churches just... looking for something. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew that I would know what it was when I found it. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to a lot of folks, but it is the only way I know how to describe it.

Okay, now that I've gone off on a tangent... :)

Today while I was driving home from Wal-mart, I had these thoughts and emotions come to my mind, but at first they weren't very clear. You know how thoughts and feelings can just fly by in a flash? Well, that is how it happened to me. It was like I had to hit the stop button and rewind them, so I could "listen" again.

First, I remember thinking why I struggle with being obedient. I asked myself why I struggled so much while for others it was second-nature to choose the right. Then I thought about why it is like that... why it is in some people's nature to be obedient while for others it is very difficult. It is the latter for me.

It is SO hard to be obedient. I struggle a lot with obeying Heavenly Father's commandments. It is hard to not shop on Sunday for groceries because I didn't plan my time wisely on Saturday. It is hard not to steal from stores when I know I can get away with it. It is hard to read my scriptures, say personal prayers, family prayers, meal prayers, etc., consistently. It is hard not to cuss out loud and even harder to replace those words in my head even if I don't say them out loud. It is hard to think positively and not negatively. It is hard to be kind and bite my tongue when I want to verbally slash someone to pieces who has said something to hurt me. It is hard to be patient when I want to kick someone in the teeth. And there are more examples, but I think I've gotten my point across. Though I don't struggle with all of these at the same time on a every day basis, these things are very hard for me.

I wish I had no desire to sin. I wish I could be like King Lamoni when he first learned that there was a God and say

"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee..."

That scripture has always struck deeply inside of me. I wish I had his faith and desire to "give away all my sins." Actually, for the most part I do have that desire. But there are times when I want to cuss because I am so angry. There are times when I want to have an alcoholic drink or smoke a joint because it seems like it will be fun. There are times when I just want to do things that are contrary to what I know is right because I think that I am missing out on some fun. ~sighs~ The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

But you know what? I had this thought, not mine but Heavenly Father's... I had this thought come to my mind that said "But you obey anyway. You choose to be obedient anyway. And that is even more precious." And then this whirlwind of thought/feeling went on, becoming stronger, saying "Those who find it easy to obey, that's wonderful. But those who find it difficult and still obey will taste the sweetness of it" or something like that. I am not sure of the wording, because it was this feeling more than a thought. And sometimes it is ... dare I say it again? :P... hard... to put feelings into words.

I feel so humbled and grateful to have been given that insight.

So though I find it hard to be obedient, I am going to do my very best to continue to obey to the best of my ability. I know I am not perfect and I make mistakes all of the time. Yet I know that I am doing my best to do what is right and obey. That is what the Atonement is for. I do my best and Jesus makes up the rest.

On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

My secret Santa has come again, though I wasn't sure that it was going to continue since he or she came much later... 9:45 pm.

"On the first day of Christmas
An angel gave to me

*Three Snow-day Gifts*

Two Teddy Bears,
And a CD of O Christmas Tree."

This time there were three gifts individually wrapped in lovely wrapping paper and fancy ribbon. Kadee and I opened them (or she tried :) and the gifts were a pair of pink courderoy mittens, a matching hat for Kadence, and a pair of swede leather gloves for me. Whoever is doing this is very thoughtful and practical, since those are things both of us needed. :)

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

Okay, it happened. It is what I thought. The knock came again, only later this time, about 8 pm. This time it was a note tucked into the ribbon that was wound around two teddy bears.

"On the first day of Christmas

An angel gave to me

*Two Teddy Bears*

And a CD of O Christmas Tree."

The teddy bears were identical except for color; one was copper and the other creme. So I named them Copper and Carmel. Kadence loves them. She kisses, hugs, and crawls around with them in the living room. :)

On the 1st Day of Christmas...

Someone, I don't know who, is doing the 12 Days of Christmas for me. I think, anyway. We will see what happens tomorrow.

This evening around 7:30 pm someone knocked rapidly and loudly on my door. When I went to answer it I asked if there was anyone there. No answer. Shrugged my shoulders and thought maybe it was for the Shefchik's, my upstairs neighbors and landlords. When a few minutes later someone knocked again, I again asked if anyone was there at my door. I don't have a peephole to look out of, so I went to my window and peeked through the blinds. I saw the brake lights of a vehicle leaving my drive way. So I went to the door and opened it to find a pretty bow and a note taped to a CD. The note said...

"On the first day of Christmas
An angel gave to me
A CD of O Christmas Tree"

It was a CD of Christmas music. And just when I had been thinking I should pick up some Christmas music, it comes. How neat is that? Very, I tell you. :)

I think that I am really blessed, beyond what I even can comprehend. I am truly thankful for all the blessings I have in my life.

Remote-control Giggles

Today was a good day, despite the fact that I didn't make it to church. Kadence has the same diaper rash she had about a month ago, and since I am not sure if she has a virus or something contagious, I errored on the side of caution. I just don't want anyone else to get sick. I know that I haven't felt the best. Anway, just don't want to spread that around. On the up side, at least her rash is not as bad as the other one.

The reason today was so good is because of Kadence. She just is such a sweetie, and makes me feel so good. And she laughs all the time, even when she is not feeling her best. Her newest thing is to look at me mischievously with those twinkling blue eyes of hers when she sees something she seems to know instinctively she is not supposed to have. Like my cell phone or the remote. She'll start to giggle, look at the item, then me, looking back and forth as she inches forward to try and snare the prize. It just cracks me up! :)

Today was even funnier, though, because I held her on my knee while I brought the tv remote towards her, and she would just start to giggle almost hysterically! LOL! Like it was going to tickle her or something! :)

I wanted to make mention of it because I know that as I grow older I will not remember all of these wonderful experiences I have with my daughter, and if they are written about, then it will jog my memory. Plus then Kadence will know what kind of personality she had as she was growing up.

Graditude and a New Goal

I just put Kadence to bed. She still isn't feeling too well and wants me to hold her constantly. Normally she will play with her toys, especially her stuffed toys, but not lately. She is a darling little girl, though, and I love to hold her. She makes me feel so special. I know she loves me. Her smiles and laughter always brighten my mood. I feel so blessed to have this little one be gifted to me as my daughter... that I get to be her mother.

I've been thinking about this since last night: I need to dwell more on the positive, not the negative. So even if I vent my anger and frustration in posting, I have decided that I will always post something I am grateful for.

I am thankful for many things, but right now I am thankful that I can once again feel the Holy Ghost. I feel the warmth of the Spirit, especially in my bosom. A sorta burning feeling; not of pain but of joy. It radiates out from my bosom and throughout my body, up to my head, and down to my fingers and toes. It is an amazing feeling. It has only been in the last several months that I have felt this way on a day-to-day basis. I feel like this is another way that our Father in heaven has let me know that I have been forgiven. Something else to be grateful for; something that gives me peace.

I want to have a real connection with God. I want to trust in him more fully. My greatest desire, and something I am working towards, is to talk to Father daily. I don't mean just say words out of habit, either. I want my prayer to have more meaning and to actually feel like I am conversing with him. I definitely want to be a better listener. Not just talk at heavenly Father, but listen. I don't know how many times I have said my prayers, and then just gone about doing my thing, not taking into consideration to actually wait and listen to what I should do, listen to what he has to say. I am going to change that, not just for me but for Kadence. I want her to learn and know that her prayers will be answered and that God will talk to her. What better way for her to do that then to be the example and show her the way.

Lately it seems like I pray more fervently when I want or need something. My prayers should be just as fervent when giving him praise and thanks. So I am going to work on that. Also, I am attempting to get on my knees and pray instead of just laying in bed half-asleep. I need to be more humble when I pray, and I think the physical act of kneeling will help me to get into that mode. I don't know if I am expressing this right, but I know what I mean.

Well, I'm off to bed.

Kadee's 1st "Sick" Doctor Visit

Last night Kadence was really restless and would not sleep well unless I held her close to me as we slept. She was warmer than usual to me and I ended up taking her temperature. It was 99.6, a low-grade temperature, but I wasn't sure that I needed to be concerned about it.

So after the whole process of making sure she was on medicaid again (see the post about Dumb Gov't Agency Employees), I called my pediatritian's office to talk to a nurse. After talking for a few minutes and letting the nurse know how she has been having a week of restless nights yet sleeping more than usual, a runny nose, and just being more clingy, she thought it would be wise for me to bring her in just to make sure she didn't have an ear infection.

Luckily she doesn't; Dr. Wilcox said her ears and lungs look great. He did say she probably had the upper respiratory virus that was going around. If it isn't cleared up within about a week, he told me to come back, but he didn't seem concerned and I think she will be just fine, too. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't her ears.

I did make an appointment for her 12 month check up and there wasn't an opening until Jan 15th. I guess they get filled up with it being around the holidays, and also with days they would be closed from the holidays. However, I asked to be put on the cancelation list. I'd like to just get her check up over and done with... and as close to her 12 month mark as possible. By Jan 15 she will be 14 1/2 months old.

Anyway, they weighed her with her clothes on this time; usually they don't. She weighed 17 lb. 12 oz. I just knew and had a feeling that she wasn't 18 lb. yet. She sure is a petite little girl. :)

Gov't Agency... Grrrr! >:(

Today I finally had enough with the DWS (Dept. of Workforce Services) after a month of getting nowhere. But in order for this to make sense, I have to back-track.

In September I went on a 4 week vacation to WI, returning home on October 9. I fully expected to see some paperwork about Kadence's medical insurance needing to be re-certified (or whatever you call it) since October was her birthday month, the 31st to be precise. No such luck. I waited a week longer and nothing. Another week and still nothing.

So on November 3rd I called, and after talking to several people, I spoke to a woman who told me that since her birthday had passed I could not re-certify but needed to re-apply. I was upset because I needed to have her 12-month check up and on my income I can't afford it. I told her I had received nothing in the mail nor had I received a phone call or been left a message. She said it showed that information had been mailed out in August. She said maybe I misplaced it. Grrr! No, I did not, I said to her as politely as I could. I told her that I had actually called in August myself, knowing I would be gone on vacation, and asked what I needed to do; then told that I didn't have to do anything, that information would be sent to me in the mail.

Anyway... the woman started to speak in a kinder tone of voice. I think it was because by this time I could barely hold back the tears of frustration I was having. One thing I dislike about myself... how tears so easily come to the surface when I am angry, happy, sad, etc. Basically a water fountain, I am. :P

Going on... so this woman, Harriet or Henrietta, told me that she would count our conversation as the phone interview that is required in the application process, but she insisted that I must go to the DWS building and fill out the other necessary forms; if I didn't, she would drop the application and the conversation with her wouldn't count.

I did as she asked and left for the place about 10 minutes after getting off of the phone with her, filled out the required forms, and went home waiting to hear from her the next day. And I waited the day after. And the day after that. Until it was over 2 weeks. I called the place again, going through the whole process of explaining everything once again. But because the person doing my case wasn't there, I had to wait for them to get back to me. So the waiting game went on again.

During this time both Kadence and I have been sick. Almost the whole month of November. I was just thankful that she wasn't sick enough to have to go to the doctor and that it was from her teething!

On Monday I get a letter in the mail, and OMGosh, did I want to strangle somebody! Know what this dumb letter says?? On the first page it tells me this...

Alert - Telephone Interview Missed

Dear Tammy Dankert

This notice is to inform you that you have not contacted our office within 7 days of the date of your application for medical assistance. For your eligibility to be determined, you must call for a telephone interview.

You have 30 days from the day you apply to complete the application process, this includes completing an interview. If you do not complete the interview by the 30th day, your application will be denied. If you have any questions regarding this notice, please contact us.

~tapping foot in anger, counting to 10~

And then I read the next page...

Notice of Decision - Application Pending

Dear Tammy Dankert

The medical application received on Nov 3 2008 is pending. We have been unable to contact you to arrange an interview which is required as part of the application precess. You must contact DWS or your application will be denied on Dec 3 2008. If verification is needed, your worker will let you know what to provide.

Then I looked up in the upper right hand corner and it says mailing date: 08DEC08

So, let me get this straight... I am supposed to let them know BEFORE Dec 3, or my application will be denied. How am I supposed to freakin' manage that when I get the letter letting me know this... SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE DEADLINE?

(And just for the record, I NEVER received any phone call or letter from this agency... NOTHING! Remember, I was waiting and hoping to hear from them so I could take her in for her check up and vaccinations. Bunch of incompetent imbeciles!)

I was furious! And I am still angry thinking about it!

Well, like I said, I was tired of this and this time I was going to chop heads. I was literally grinding my teeth. LOL!

So I called the number, and had to wait for about 15 minutes to talk to a live person, which did not add to my mood, trust me on this. I proceeded to tell Heather everything I just wrote, including reading the letter I received. Not to pat my own back, but I did manage to say that I didn't mean to be upset with her personally, that I was just aggravated with the whole situation. She wasn't even ruffled. She said that guy that had denied my case must not have read the notes left by Harriet/Henrietta about the phone interview, and after verifying my rent, was able to tell me Kadence was now accepted and receiving medicaid. That only took her about 10 minutes.

I am glad everything is all squared away, but I am still steamed and would like to wring the neck of the bozo that wasn't doing his job. >:(

Another Tooth for Kadence

Most children get their two bottom teeth and then their two upper teeth. Not my Kadeedoo. Nope, she got her first tooth on the bottom right side of her mouth and then I noticed she had her upper tooth, again on the right side of her mouth, poking through. It has taken some time for her teeth to finally come through, though I've felt the bumps in her mouth for some time, and it looks like she is going to have a mouthful of teeth in a short period of time.

Laugh-mares?

Before we went to sleep last night, I said a prayer for Kadence asking that she might have a good night's rest. Well, it worked, because at about 3:30 am she started giggling WHILE she was asleep. And it was loud and contagious, let me tell you! LOL! It is just about the most adorable thing to hear my sweetheart laugh when she is awake, but even more so when she is doing it in her sleep. :) The amazing thing is that it lasted for at least 10 minutes. She never did wake up, just finally settled down to get some more sweet sleep.

Answered Prayers

So for the last three days my daughter has been having a difficult time sleeping through the night, mostly because she is teething. I suffer from insomnia, have for years, but because of her lack of sleep it has resulted in me being even more sleep-deprived than usual.

On Tuesday evening Kadence fell asleep about 9:20 pm. I was thrilled that I also was sleepy, and so I took us both to bed with the happy thought that we might both get on a better sleeping schedule. I looked at the clock on my night stand, saw it was 9:30 pm, and fell asleep shortly. At 10:39 pm Kadee woke up crying. I tried to see what was wrong, the normal checks: diaper wet/dirty, hungry, thirsty, etc. None of those. I also gave her some infant medicine to help with her pain from teething. After about 10 - 15 minutes I was able to comfort her and she fell back asleep. I thought all was well. I was wrong because she continued to do this routine every hour, for hours.

Despite the many times I prayed for help in understanding what was wrong so I could help her, I did not feel inspired as to what the problem was and I started to get frustrated and angry. I was so tired and frustrated... frustrated that I couldn't figure out what the problem was, and why she was so restless and sad. I am ashamed to admit this, but I blew up at her. I yelled at her, told her I was leaving her alone, and went into the living room. I just felt like I needed to be out of her presence or I would hurt her.

Then I started yelling and complaining at Heavenly Father. Yeah, I do that. I guess I am weird since I talk to him like he is right there, next to me. So I'm telling him that it is all his fault that I yelled at Kadence and that I was feeling the way I was feeling, it was his fault that she was feeling the way that she has been feeling.

"If only you would have answered my prayers to ler her feel peaceful and fall asleep, Father, none of this would have happened. She wouldn't be sad and crying, I wouldn't be mad and crying. I've been praying and asking you for your help! This is all your fault for not answering my prayers!"

After a few minutes I humbled myself and repented. I told Heavenly Father how sorry I was for speaking to him like that and asked him to please forgive me. I also asked him to forgive me of yelling at Kadence. Then I went and picked up my sweet little baby girl, and held her and comforted her. She was still crying, I was still crying. I kept apologizing to her, telling her how sorry I was. We both calmed down after a while. Then I read her favorite book to her that Sister Grace Sorensen gave her.

After reading the book to her a couple of times, I checked to see if her diaper needed changing. It was about 5:00 am by this time. So as I took off her jammies, I looked at her toes. I check for fuzzies between her toes occasionally. Probably weird to some folks, but I've done this since she was born. As I checked for fuzzies on her left foot and pulled at some bits of string I saw curled up under her middle toe, I found that Kadee began to scream. I stopped immediately, looking more closely.

To my surprise there was a hair (probably mine) wrapped around her middle toe, along with a small piece of string. It was wrapped extremely tight and it looked like her flesh was indented nearly to the bone! At first I thought she was bleeding, too, and this alarmed me, until I inspected further and saw that it was a small piece of red fuzz. I had tried pulling and that just made her cry, so I went looking for nail clippers with the idea that I could just clip it off. No such luck! :( With how she was wiggling and struggling to get away I was afraid that I would cut her. I kept trying to soothe her, telling her that I was not trying to hurt her, but trying to help her. Finally, I just tugged at it until it broke and I was able to take it off of her toe.

Her toe looked almost purple before I got her toe free. The indent was there for a while, even during the next day, though not as bad as when it was wrapped with the hair and string. As soon as it was free you could see the blood circulating and starting to look so much better. The relief that Kadence felt was immediate from how she reacted. She stopped crying, just whimpered a bit, and I kept hugging her and telling her how mommy fixed it. I showed her toe to her and told her how it was all better. She would look at her toe and then me and then hug me, over and over. It was sweet. She is so very, very sweet.

I immediately said a prayer out loud to Father for us, thanking him for inspiring me to check her toes, knowing she could have lost her toe because of the lack of circulation that had been going on; thanking him for actually answering my prayers, just not in the way I had expected. Kadee just listened quietly as I prayed as if she was agreeing with what I was saying.

I am so grateful to know that Father in Heaven answers prayers. I think about people who don't have the gospel and who don't have faith, and just feel so utterly thankful that I do! I mean, how many mothers would think to look at their child's toes to find out what was ailing them? I'll tell you what, though, after that experience you can bet that from now on I will be paying even more attention to those baby toes. :)

Afterwards I cuddled with her as I watched NBC news for a while. She fell asleep shortly and did not wake up again until I woke her up around noon. So I know that it was the pain in her toe that had been bothering her. I also know without a doubt that Heavenly Father inspired me to check her toes and answered my prayer on how to help my baby girl.

New Journal Writing Goal

I've been so lax in writing on here, but not for the reasons one might think. I have this idea that I have to "catch up" with the past year or so before I can start writing new posts. As I think about it, I feel so foolish that I felt compelled to do that, since that has made me feel so overwhelmed and stressed out I've become further and further behind.

So starting today I have decided that I am going to write about here and now, and if I have the time and patience I will right about the there and then with all the previous dates. I do have a lot written out on paper, computer documents, and another journal of sorts that I can transfer, but as I already said, I will do that if I have the time and patience.