Heavenly Father Hears and Answers

4 September 2014

I am having a hard day. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of how inadequate and flawed I am. The negative thoughts screaming in my head are like a jackhammer pounding and tearing up concrete. My chest feels tight like I cannot get enough oxygen to breathe. The pain is sharp, the thoughts jagged against my brain and heavy within my heart. Although this is not the first time, and doubtful it will be my last, today I feel like I won't be able to withstand the agony. 

So I started to pray. Out loud. Kadence is at school, so it's just me at home. With tears sliding down my cheeks, I plead for some relief, or an answer to what I could do to push back the unbearable depression that was pressing down all around me. 

Please, Heavenly Father, please help me! I don't want to feel this way! Just please make it go away! I am so sad. And I am so tired of being sad. Please help me to know what I can do.

Prior to today I had been trying hard to make choices that would help me to be happy. In August I had been hospitalized for a couple of nights. I was having trouble breathing as well as some other health issues. After leaving the hospital, I felt strongly that I would feel better if I started going back to church. I had been prompted in the past to do this but because of feeling like I was not good enough, not "perfect" enough, that I had to be "better" BEFORE I could start going again, I shrugged the thought off. This time I didn't. 

I contacted my bishop, Bishop Sefcik, to let him know I had recently moved from Utah. After getting the information of where and when the meetings were, I made sure that we started church that next Sunday. Kadence and I have been going every Sunday. We are in the Waukesha Ward in Wales, WI. We have been going 4 weeks so far and I am feeling much better. Happier. Even my sister Tanya commented that she has seen a difference in me.

So today I needed God's help. I wanted to know that he knew that I was trying to be a better person, even though I wasn't perfect. I needed to know that he heard me, that he was listening, and that even though I wasn't perfect, he would help me. See, for one reason or another, I struggle with believing he would want to help me. Me, an insignificant, ugly, fat loser. A nobody.

It is not that I don't believe he can. It is more like why would he even care about me? Especially with all the mistakes I make, over and over again? So even though I wanted and needed to know that he would take the time to answer me, or guide me, part of me wasn't sure if he would. Because I don't think I deserve it. 

So after praying aloud for help, I had the thought to go into my scriptures, specifically the Book of Mormon. I opened them to a random spot, inside my head hoping to have some words speak to me. Something that would let me know he is aware of me and my struggles.

I turned to Moroni 9. I skimmed the left side of the page but so far nothing about it seemed to "speak" to me. Then I looked over to the right side and came to verse 25. It is Mormon writing to his son Moroni, but I felt that Heavenly Father was saying these words to me:

"My [daughter], be faithful in Christ; ..... may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever."

Off to side in the margin I have written and highlighted in red, see Mormon 8 for pattern. I then went to that chapter. At the top of the page I have written and highlighted in red, with stars on either side, Pattern for Fighting Depression.

As soon as I read that I started to cry. I felt like Heavenly Father was saying "I am aware of your struggle. I know you are having a hard time right now. I hear you. I love you."

I, of course, read the pattern, but even if I had not read further, I felt that my heavy heart and struggle of depression had been lightened at that moment. Just knowing that God heard and answered my thoughts and prayer made me sincerely happy and thankful. I am grateful to know that he knows me as an individual. This experience is extremely special and has reminded me that, even though I still have my struggle with depression and other difficulties, as long as I turn to Heavenly Father for help, I will get through it. He has proven to me, again, that he is there for me and always will be.

Kiddies and Kitties

Today I started doing some deep cleaning in the bathroom and Kadence has helped me. She is such a good helper. Very smart, too. She has always been able to understand and take direction.

While I was cleaning the sink, I glanced down to where she was and saw her hitting Angel, our kitten, over and over again. I've told her untold number of times that she is not to hit the kitten, but for some reason she doesn't listen.

Part of me doesn't want to share this with anyone, because then people will see how I can be such a horrible person and mother. I don't want anyone to think badly of me, you know?

I am ashamed to say that I lost my temper. I started screaming at her that we don't hit Angel. I yelled at her to get into time-out by sitting in the chair. She started crying, and then kept saying nice and repeating the gesture that she uses when she says nice or be soft. I ignored it and kept yelling at her over and over again that we don't hit. I even yelled how would she like it if I hit her, and gave the motion as if slapping her from a distance. She cried harder. I then told her to come over to me and I held her on my lap. She immediately said nice and softly rubbed my shoulder, then hugged me.

As I continued to yell at her, telling her how next time I will hit her like she hits the kitty, I started to cry. I stopped saying anything as I thought of how I was teaching her. I was using intimidation through my voice, my facial features, my actions. I don't want to teach her through fear or intimidation. Fear is Satan's way, not Heavenly Father's way.

So I softened and lowered my voice. I told her that I didn't want to teach her this way. That hitting is wrong and that I was not going to hit her, she was not going to hit Angel, that we were going to learn a different way. I asked her if I could pray with her and ask for help on how we both could be taught a better way. She was still crying, but said yes. While I held her in my arms and rocked her, I prayed aloud and the feeling that came into the room, and into my heart, was so great. I think that Kadence felt it, too.

After the prayer I felt like I could think more clearly and I told Kadence that mommy was sorry for shouting at her. I told her that I don't and won't hit her, because we need treat each other with love. Then I said I was going to practice this. I rubbed her arm while speaking in soft tones telling her that I was sorry for screaming and that I would not do that anymore. I told her that we don't hit Angel, and that we need to be kind and loving, and so we are going to practice how we treat the kitty. I asked her to go over to where Angel was laying on the chair and show me how she should treat the cat. Then Kadence walked over and put her head softly on Angel, rubbing her cheek on her fur, turning her head to kiss her, and then took her hand and gently pet her. It was so precious. With tears streaming down my cheeks I smiled at Kadence and clapped and told her what a good job she did. I told her how proud I was of her. And then I said a quick prayer of thanks to God. I am so grateful to know that if I need help, I can say a prayer and know that my Heavenly Father will help me.

Blogging Delay

I know it has been around 4 months since my last blog post, but life is just crazy for me. I find it hard enough to do little updates on Facebook, let alone here.

See, I am really sick. More sick than I even wanted to admit to myself. I've lived for so many years with my diabetes out-of-control, that I started thinking it was normal. And that is not even getting into the whole thyroid mess.

My blood sugar is very high. Put it this way... my A1C was 12. Which means that I've been living with 400 as my average blood sugar level. Not good. Actually could go into a diabetic coma.

I feel like I am living in a fog. It is hard to think and to focus. My short-term memory is poor. Side-effects of such a high blood sugar. Because of my memory problems, I actually forget to take my insulin and other meds. For the last month I've hardly taken either at all. It is a vicious circle.

Since Sunday I've had help, though, which I am grateful for. I get a call from my friend Kristine every day to remind me to take my meds. I've actually been remembering to take the meds before she even called.

Another friend is helping me check out alarm watches so that I will be able to remember to take my insulin before my meals, as well as taking it in the morning and evening. I take 2 kinds - one for keeping my sugar levels even throughout the day and the other before I eat meals so that it won't sky rocket after eating.

I'm seeing a doctor about the diabetes, of course. Saw Dr. Smith yesterday as a matter of fact. He said I may be a candidate for the insulin pump, but I am a bit nervous about it.

Anyway, I am writing all of this so that people will be able to understand why my posting is so erratic. It is not on purpose. I wish I could be better and write at least weekly. But I am doing the best that I can. Especially since this is only a part of the daily stress I am dealing with. Taking care of an infant/toddler while being this way is not easy. It is very difficult and stressful. Not to mention that I need to find a place to live by May 7th and can't find anything. So yeah, the blogging is just not my top priority. Hope that people can understand.

Obedience is HARD

I've been trying to think more deeply about thoughts and promptings that come to my mind. I've always wanted to be the type of person that hears God speak to them personally. I think I have always been spiritually-minded, even when I lived in differing environments while growing up, environments that did not nurture that quality in me.

I remember when I was 14 years old and a friend of mine wanted to try marijuana. I remember saying to her, "Let's not do drugs, Julie. Let's be straight. Let's just be straight, and go to school and get good grades." My friend looked at me like I was strange and told me that she wanted to know what it was like. I already knew what it was like. I'd been introduced to weed when I was 12 by my aunt's ex-husband Jim and as well as other family members.

I was really sad, because she was my best friend. I knew instinctively that if I did not do it with her we would drift apart. And as ashamed as I am to admit, I just needed her to be my friend. I wasn't strong enough to stand alone. I don't think I even knew about the "Just Say No" thing or if it had even been started at that time. I didn't have any good examples to follow, that's for sure. I didn't have any support system.

Anyway, even though I would get high, I still was interested in spiritual matters. I was always enquiring other people about their faith and religion. I would go to different churches just... looking for something. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew that I would know what it was when I found it. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to a lot of folks, but it is the only way I know how to describe it.

Okay, now that I've gone off on a tangent... :)

Today while I was driving home from Wal-mart, I had these thoughts and emotions come to my mind, but at first they weren't very clear. You know how thoughts and feelings can just fly by in a flash? Well, that is how it happened to me. It was like I had to hit the stop button and rewind them, so I could "listen" again.

First, I remember thinking why I struggle with being obedient. I asked myself why I struggled so much while for others it was second-nature to choose the right. Then I thought about why it is like that... why it is in some people's nature to be obedient while for others it is very difficult. It is the latter for me.

It is SO hard to be obedient. I struggle a lot with obeying Heavenly Father's commandments. It is hard to not shop on Sunday for groceries because I didn't plan my time wisely on Saturday. It is hard not to steal from stores when I know I can get away with it. It is hard to read my scriptures, say personal prayers, family prayers, meal prayers, etc., consistently. It is hard not to cuss out loud and even harder to replace those words in my head even if I don't say them out loud. It is hard to think positively and not negatively. It is hard to be kind and bite my tongue when I want to verbally slash someone to pieces who has said something to hurt me. It is hard to be patient when I want to kick someone in the teeth. And there are more examples, but I think I've gotten my point across. Though I don't struggle with all of these at the same time on a every day basis, these things are very hard for me.

I wish I had no desire to sin. I wish I could be like King Lamoni when he first learned that there was a God and say

"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee..."

That scripture has always struck deeply inside of me. I wish I had his faith and desire to "give away all my sins." Actually, for the most part I do have that desire. But there are times when I want to cuss because I am so angry. There are times when I want to have an alcoholic drink or smoke a joint because it seems like it will be fun. There are times when I just want to do things that are contrary to what I know is right because I think that I am missing out on some fun. ~sighs~ The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

But you know what? I had this thought, not mine but Heavenly Father's... I had this thought come to my mind that said "But you obey anyway. You choose to be obedient anyway. And that is even more precious." And then this whirlwind of thought/feeling went on, becoming stronger, saying "Those who find it easy to obey, that's wonderful. But those who find it difficult and still obey will taste the sweetness of it" or something like that. I am not sure of the wording, because it was this feeling more than a thought. And sometimes it is ... dare I say it again? :P... hard... to put feelings into words.

I feel so humbled and grateful to have been given that insight.

So though I find it hard to be obedient, I am going to do my very best to continue to obey to the best of my ability. I know I am not perfect and I make mistakes all of the time. Yet I know that I am doing my best to do what is right and obey. That is what the Atonement is for. I do my best and Jesus makes up the rest.

On the 3rd Day of Christmas...

My secret Santa has come again, though I wasn't sure that it was going to continue since he or she came much later... 9:45 pm.

"On the first day of Christmas
An angel gave to me

*Three Snow-day Gifts*

Two Teddy Bears,
And a CD of O Christmas Tree."

This time there were three gifts individually wrapped in lovely wrapping paper and fancy ribbon. Kadee and I opened them (or she tried :) and the gifts were a pair of pink courderoy mittens, a matching hat for Kadence, and a pair of swede leather gloves for me. Whoever is doing this is very thoughtful and practical, since those are things both of us needed. :)

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

Okay, it happened. It is what I thought. The knock came again, only later this time, about 8 pm. This time it was a note tucked into the ribbon that was wound around two teddy bears.

"On the first day of Christmas

An angel gave to me

*Two Teddy Bears*

And a CD of O Christmas Tree."

The teddy bears were identical except for color; one was copper and the other creme. So I named them Copper and Carmel. Kadence loves them. She kisses, hugs, and crawls around with them in the living room. :)

On the 1st Day of Christmas...

Someone, I don't know who, is doing the 12 Days of Christmas for me. I think, anyway. We will see what happens tomorrow.

This evening around 7:30 pm someone knocked rapidly and loudly on my door. When I went to answer it I asked if there was anyone there. No answer. Shrugged my shoulders and thought maybe it was for the Shefchik's, my upstairs neighbors and landlords. When a few minutes later someone knocked again, I again asked if anyone was there at my door. I don't have a peephole to look out of, so I went to my window and peeked through the blinds. I saw the brake lights of a vehicle leaving my drive way. So I went to the door and opened it to find a pretty bow and a note taped to a CD. The note said...

"On the first day of Christmas
An angel gave to me
A CD of O Christmas Tree"

It was a CD of Christmas music. And just when I had been thinking I should pick up some Christmas music, it comes. How neat is that? Very, I tell you. :)

I think that I am really blessed, beyond what I even can comprehend. I am truly thankful for all the blessings I have in my life.