Will I be buying pink or blue?

Well, it is official. I am pregnant. There is so much for me to say, I don't know where to start. I never expected to become an unwed mother. But that is what has happened. I think I became pregnant the night that John proposed to me. Just another example of the poor choices that I make. I basically knew that if I had sex with John I would become pregnant. And I did.

Not that I am unhappy about being pregnant. I always wanted to be a mother. I already love my baby. And I was so quick to go to the doctor... I am only around 2 weeks pregnant or so.

I'll write more about how I knew I was pregnant even though the pregnancy test said I wasn't, yadda, yadda.

All I know is that even though I felt this feeling that I would become pregnant, I didn't believe it would happen. I just didn't believe I could become pregnant. I alwyas felt I was infertile. Not sterile, but that it would be very hard to become pregnant. Boy, was I wrong.

Going to the chapel...

...and we're going to get married! ~singing softly while a silly grin is pasted on my mouth~

John officially preposed to me today, on Valentine's Day! I am so happy! I know I have not written in here for a while, but I have been so busy.

John gave me a cute little stuffed gorrilla that says Our First Valentine's, a box of chocolate, and a rose. He is so sweet! Then he got down on his knees and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! :) We are planning on a summer wedding... woo hoo!

I am moving in with him. Most of my stuff is here, anyway. I just want to be with him all the time. He makes me feel so good!

Someone loves me :)

I've been dating John Owen Kessey. I met him through Dianna Moscato, but her sister Tonya is the one that actually made a difference in me choosing to date him. He is younger than me, rather homely, and very skinny, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he loves me. I feel good when I am with him.

Even though he is not a member, I can't help but think about the blessing I received so many years ago that told me that a righteous son of God was set aside for me, that my weight would not be an issue and he would think I was beautiful, and that I would have children who would think of me as a truly blessed mother. John has told me how important God is to him. He prays every night. He believes that I am an answer to his prayers. :)

A poem

As we grow up we learn a lot of hard things. We learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

-Anonymous

Methinks thy anger boileth over

Does anyone really enjoy the flavor of tea? Or does it just taste like flavored water to you like it does to me?

I guess I am just having a few of those days when everything seems like crap. Life feels like crap. I feel like crap.

I can't stand false people. I hate the masks that people put on.

Sometimes I just want to lay down and go to sleep and never, ever wake up.

I could just sit here and cry, and part of me doesn't even know why. The other part is just not ready to share that type of information publicly. Then I think, why should I give a care on what others think? Well, it is not really that. It is I have private thoughts and feelings at times and I don't need to have the world know every single thing about me.

I get judged for so many things. A big judgement on me being my faith. Again, like I should care what they think, right? For the most part they don't even know me, so WHY should I care?

I have been alone and not part of any side of the family since I was basically 10 years old. That is when I remember thinking 'my family doesn't love me anymore.' I remember my heart feeling like it was going to break into a million pieces and immediately, immediately after that thought, feeling this numbness come over me. I had to. At age 10 I think I would have died, or at the least, gone completely insane. So I went numb and that is how I handled it.

I've always thought I was the bad child. Bad, bad girl. I remember being told how I was going to be crazy just like my mother because I was the one that was the oldest of us three kids and spent the most time with her. So she would have 'rubbed off' on me.

Guess what? They were wrong. I was the one that kept it together. I was the one that was the caretaker of my mother, as well as my brother and sister, before we went to live with our grandparents. I was the one that never believed the crazy stuff she spouted. Unfortunately for my brother, he believed in the things my mother said. I really think that affected him in a big way and I believe that is part of the reason he, being prone to it anyway because of genetics, became bi-polar.

So although my brother was thought of as the 'good one' and I was the 'bad one', the irony is that I was far more the goody-goody. I'm the one that never used to drink or swear. Yes, I smoked reefer, and I tried LSD, but I've never dealt drugs and I've never been to jail or prison.

So forget all you family members that thought I was the black sheep!! You will never know how good of a person I was, how hard I tried to be perfect and always do the right thing. I tried to do everything right to make you love me and it never was good enough. Again... FORGET YOU!!!

I have so much anger in me. So much that it is boiling and I don't know how to keep it from bubbling up and over. It is funny, because it takes a lot of crap to happen to me to make me upset and show the anger I feel. Even more rare to see the complete and utter rage I have. Why? Because I am afraid of what I am capable of if I ever did let it loose.

So for now I just say... Forget you, world. Forget you, and you, and you!!!

Will the idiots ever stop multiplying?!

I think I need a vacation from life, maybe a permanent one, or just one away from the internet. It always amazes me how people use the safety of anonymity that online brings as an excuse to be ignorant or just plain obstinate. I'm all for people voicing their opinions and I actually look forward to seeing another person's point of view. One thing I never do is dislike someone for having a differing opinion than mine. Doing that pretty much destroys any possible debate that could happen. ~Flashes a grin~

It is my belief you can't have an opinion with any kind of conviction, unless you can see the topic from another person's point of view. However, I am not naive enough to believe that a conversation/debate cannot become heated. More often then not, it does. People who become impassioned about any given subject do tend to become "hot under the collar" during any debate, but that doesn't mean you have to lose your grip on common sense, rational thinking, and what not, does it?

I just find myself less and less tolerant of people. They constantly annoy me! It used to be an hour or so of coming online and roleplaying would relax me, but in fact the opposite has occurred. The idiots just seem to keep multiplying like rabbits and they all seem to find me... Darn it! GRRRRR! ~Growls~

A friend of mine told me that these people need to be killed off like cockroaches. A small part, but nonetheless a part, agrees. Unfortunately there are more than a few that need to be eliminated and removed from their pitiful lives. But like cockroaches, to try and kill them off won't help. You can buy a can of Raid for your own home to get rid of them, but they'll just keep living on eleswhere, and it seems no possible way to even put a dent into getting rid of the ignorant jerks! >.<

I just can't seem to find an outlet for all this frustration and anger. It just keeps building and building, like a pot of water put on over a low heat setting, sitting there waiting to boil over. Yet not quite being able to reach that point, the bubbles just linger there, beneath the surface, waiting for that last push of heat to set them free.

Sounds a tad cryptic doesn't it?

~Takes a deep breath and then expels it slowly~ Ah well. Life goes on. Everyone has their issues with most anything. I know I do, to varying extremes. All we can do as individuals is recognize our weaknesses and work on them. I need to remember that to error is human but to forgive is divine.

Ahh, the blogging craze...

So, the blog thing seems to be the "in thing" to be doing lately. I can completely understand its attraction myself. A place where you can put down all your thoughts and opinions like your own personal newspaper for all to view. The World Wide Web offers us so many outlets for our imagination, I guess this is just another way to do it.

As much as I like to write and find the written word an easier way to express myself, I find a part of me fearing to share too much; to open up fully. Once I would have freely done so, without thought of how the knowledge and information I gave could make me vulnerable. Now, in some ways, I am afraid to. I don't want to feel that vulnerable, to give someone the power to hurt me. Yet what is life without taking risks? Boring if you ask me. So, my goal for this blogging deal is to post daily. I need an outlet for my thoughts, be they on the side of suicidal or on the side of lunacy. I need to vent them somewhere, so why not here?

For me, this will be a place to share things that happen in my life; thoughts and ideas that have been running through my mind. It is hard, because sometimes I can shut them off, other times I can't. Perhaps blogging on a daily basis will help me with some of those thoughts and ideas and put them into perspective. Mostly I just put in words thoughts or feelings I'm experiencing at any given moment. Sometimes they are angry, happy, sad, or downright pathetic. Sometimes they even seem a little... insane. But, they are my thoughts and feelings none-the-less.

I don't expect any reply to entries I make viewable to the public, though they are welcomed and looked forward to. My philosophy has always been that I would much rather be hurt with honesty than to be misled with lies or deceit. A song that encompasses this belief is by Good Charlotte called Truth. Whatever the reaction people have, I have promised myself that I am not going to hold back.